Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
