Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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