She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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