Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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