These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
