i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
this just has baby written all over it
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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