Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize