How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
