just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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