is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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