We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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