your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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