forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
