dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
