Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize