I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
