girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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