he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
