the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
