Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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