i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You ruined the universe
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
