If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
