That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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