They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
