my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
