i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
