she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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