you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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