dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This girl is more easily done than said...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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