Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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