Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
