i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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