i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
