Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I intend to get homeless drunk
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
