On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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