hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
