Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
