Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
