Who wears a wallet chain?!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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