I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
