My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
