the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You pole danced in your parka.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
