It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
