The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize