We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
