Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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