Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
