I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
