I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
