I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
