Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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