I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
How's work?
Spinning.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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