Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
