I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
