so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
