thus making me awesome and them whores
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Randomize
