Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
