Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize