i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize