My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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