I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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