did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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