It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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