i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
