So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
